I hate it. Every part of it. I hate when I'm not able to get my ideas across just for the simple reason that I can't find the right words to say them with. It's like chaining myself up. And it gets me into such a frustration that I feel like there's a huge lump in my heart or my throat whenever I think about it. Yeah, for what I'm talking about, read above. I know, my writing seems fine here, but what I'm actually referring to professional writing. For my opinion article in my high school newspaper. It's like I'm in this white room and all around me is a wall painted in white with no apparent scratches of color at all.

It's very limiting, yes. And this is freaking OPINION. There aren't supposed to be any formalities. And it's all about what I've got to say about a certain topic. Or maybe I'm just not good in writing for newspapers. It all feels like a burden. (Okay, my club adviser isn't supposed to see that. He'll go ballistic and sack me from my position.) And here I am, ranting about it all to you people. I'm really the queen of informal writing. I hate writing something that I know would be criticized mercilessly by others. I hate it. I absolutely do. Okay. End of rant. Off to work. ACCEPTANCE. Yep, that's my topic.

MAMATAY NA! I'm trying not to care but all of you are making it harder for me. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just disappear from my life? You know, it'd would've been much better with all of you gone. Do you know how hard it is to live my life thinking in every second of every moment that I'm a failure, I'm worthless and I'm not needed? How dare you make me feel like that? How dare you ruin everything I can hold on to? Can't you please leave something for me atleast? Can't somebody understand, even if just a little bit. Does anybody even know what I'm going through? What the repercussions of all your actions in my life? DO YOU?

For once, I just want a normal life. I want to live like a fifteen year old. And that's the point. I'M ONLY FIFTEEN! I DON'T NEED GO THROUGH THIS. I DON'T NEED THIS. I'm spending my time, wondering what makes me totally different from others. I'm already robbed of my self confidence. MY TRUST IN MYSELF. Do you know how important that is in order to survive everything? I'm wondering every single day, who do I wake up for? To whom can I siphon my energy from? What inspires me to continue this life? NOTHING. And everyday, I have to deal with that. To deal that nothing is going right in my life anymore. And it's hard for me to accept that there might not be a silver lining. 

I don't know my direction anymore. The point of all this. I'm losing myself, but you're too busy living your own fascinating lives to care. Do you know the things that went through my mind while I'm carrying all of this in my heart? ANGER. BETRAYAL. FRUSTRATION. And then DISAPPOINTMENT. Disappointment that there is no pakikipagkapwa-tao after all. There is nothing like that. Because if there is, I would've felt it now. But you know what, in my ruined state, I'm still trying to give back to others. Trying to advice others when I can't even help myself. I can't even comfort myself. I just wish somebody would spare me some minutes and take the chance to talk with me. I really wish someone would. But no. They get too scared or too irritated to care. That's reality. 

I hate it. Every part of it. I hate when I'm not able to get my ideas across just for the simple reason that I can't find the right words to say them with. It's like chaining myself up. And it gets me into such a frustration that I feel like there's a huge lump in my heart or my throat whenever I think about it. Yeah, for what I'm talking about, read above. I know, my writing seems fine here, but what I'm actually referring to professional writing. For my opinion article in my high school newspaper. It's like I'm in this white room and all around me is a wall painted in white with no apparent scratches of color at all.

It's very limiting, yes. And this is freaking OPINION. There aren't supposed to be any formalities. And it's all about what I've got to say about a certain topic. Or maybe I'm just not good in writing for newspapers. It all feels like a burden. (Okay, my club adviser isn't supposed to see that. He'll go ballistic and sack me from my position.) And here I am, ranting about it all to you people. I'm really the queen of informal writing. I hate writing something that I know would be criticized mercilessly by others. I hate it. I absolutely do. Okay. End of rant. Off to work. ACCEPTANCE. Yep, that's my topic.

MAMATAY NA! I'm trying not to care but all of you are making it harder for me. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just disappear from my life? You know, it'd would've been much better with all of you gone. Do you know how hard it is to live my life thinking in every second of every moment that I'm a failure, I'm worthless and I'm not needed? How dare you make me feel like that? How dare you ruin everything I can hold on to? Can't you please leave something for me atleast? Can't somebody understand, even if just a little bit. Does anybody even know what I'm going through? What the repercussions of all your actions in my life? DO YOU?

For once, I just want a normal life. I want to live like a fifteen year old. And that's the point. I'M ONLY FIFTEEN! I DON'T NEED GO THROUGH THIS. I DON'T NEED THIS. I'm spending my time, wondering what makes me totally different from others. I'm already robbed of my self confidence. MY TRUST IN MYSELF. Do you know how important that is in order to survive everything? I'm wondering every single day, who do I wake up for? To whom can I siphon my energy from? What inspires me to continue this life? NOTHING. And everyday, I have to deal with that. To deal that nothing is going right in my life anymore. And it's hard for me to accept that there might not be a silver lining. 

I don't know my direction anymore. The point of all this. I'm losing myself, but you're too busy living your own fascinating lives to care. Do you know the things that went through my mind while I'm carrying all of this in my heart? ANGER. BETRAYAL. FRUSTRATION. And then DISAPPOINTMENT. Disappointment that there is no pakikipagkapwa-tao after all. There is nothing like that. Because if there is, I would've felt it now. But you know what, in my ruined state, I'm still trying to give back to others. Trying to advice others when I can't even help myself. I can't even comfort myself. I just wish somebody would spare me some minutes and take the chance to talk with me. I really wish someone would. But no. They get too scared or too irritated to care. That's reality.