This is my last day as a care-free student. I've done a lot dozing and lazing around to push me to the cramming period. Although the pressure hasn't hit me yet, I'm pretty the weight of 12 journal entries for Filipino class and 3 home works to axe off for Economics would come soon enough. Plus, let's not forget about the 50 letters I have to write (the blazes of hell) for my class's upcoming retreat in Caleruega. Oh yeah, I'm forgetting that I am indeed a senior high school student and that in a few months time, "Sayona de~". 

All in all, I have given up. :( I still wanted to continue playing the Starry Sky series but given spoilers that I've read from funny Otome bloggers, and the complete unavailability of English patches (so I can comprehend properly), the idea's already turning sour for me by the minute. Maybe after a windfall of home works and quizzes next week, I'm totally going to forget all about my past with my precious constellation guys :( 

And who knows, maybe by the summer, an English Patch for Starry Sky In Summer would be released by a couple of life savers. But whether that happens or not remains to be seen in the future. If only I know how to read Japanese characters... Well then, it can't be helped.

 I still haven't finished Yoh's route though in SS In Spring. Yah- I'm hovering on not tapping on it anymore. I never really liked Yoh in the first place. 

Kanata's route was pretty plain and unromantic too. It's just Kanata, always blushing and then fighting. It also didn't help that Tsukiko was avoiding him that caused him to pass out after the observation thingy affair in school. God. I hate them.But I still like Kanata. LOLS. Just because he's a crybaby and there's something that makes me go Oh-Oh-Oh. His true ending redeemed his pretty disappointing scenes and reactions though. Really, Honeybee. Get a grip.

As for Suzuya... well, yeah yeah, I got him first but after playing Kanata... I'm starting to hate him. I want to push him off the stairs. Haha. Kidding. And while I was on the Kan-kan path, there were a lot of scenes about Suzuya and his "budding" feelings for Tsukiko that he just keeps locked up. Honestly, okasa. I can't help thinking that the creators were Suzuya-biased. And also, his scenes were a lot more romantic. Totally not fair; whereas Kanata's were full of unnecessary worrying and childish awkwardness. Or maybe, Cancers are really just more sweet than Pisces. 

Oh why the hell can't I read or understand Japanese? DUH, because I'm not Japanese. So I'm probably just going to give up on this. Oh well, it was great while it lasted. Goodbye, my handsome bishies. 

And the die was cast. All I'm waiting for right now would be the date of the execution. I mean, the release date of the UPCAT test results. Since I'm part of the first batch to take the UP admission test scheduled early in the morning, I have to drag myself out there before 6:30 in the morning. Fortunately, there wasn't any misgivings of couple of hours lack of sleep for I got up all by myself about 2 hours early. That just indicates how excited I am to take this test. Not that I've prepared for it or anything, I didn't even have a refresher of my geometry course days before. I did cram little snippets of terms from scanning a crash review booklet I received from the review center I enrolled in during the last month of summer. 

Since we set off ahead of time, we didn't encounter any traffic on the way over. I gave my friend Diana a lift because we were designated on the same place anyway. And good thing too because I wouldn't know what to do if I was left alone there together with other faces, students from other schools who are apparently, my peers. I had this perception when I was still an adolescent that there aren't a lot of 13 year olds in the world. Because I don't often see anyone my age then (people I came across with were either too old or too young) I just resorted to thinking that my species (generation) was rare. Hah. Funny thought once you see the number of students desperate to be admitted in the state university. 

So fast forward blah blah blah to the instruction orientation before the exam, it felt all so surreal. And queer too. What I mean is, I literally felt like that was a pivotal moment in my life. Like some sort of stepping stone. It's like I'm there because it's something important. Now I know I didn't study for it, but I don't want to think about that because it just makes me feel restless and depressed that I didn't take it seriously until the actual moment that I'm about to take it. It's sad, to realize that you should have prepared for it, since it won't happen again for the rest for you life. As they say, you only take the upcat ONCE. And that's that. 

For starters, there weren't any hot guys mixed among the examinees. Some looked up to par, but none of them passed my qualifications. Not that I actually expected awesome guys to show up. Although I'll take my hat off to our examiner, at least he looked a bit decent and his voice is just amazing. You wouldn't even notice that he's reading some sort of manual to relay the instructions. As for the test, well its... a test, yeah. After being done with it, I guess it's not really that hard. It's none different from elementary entrance exams, with the exception of the range of topics covered. There's your general science, a bit of biology, quite an unpleasant lot of Chemistry, and a little of your Physics. Nothing less.

Mathematics will always be mathematics, what do you expect? English was all right. Didn't have much trouble there, though I had misgivings for a few items. After answering each subtest, I immediately forgot all about it. I don't even remember any particular questions. It's like once the proctor instructed us to shut our exam questionnaire, a memory charm was cast upon us (Obliviate!) and our minds are totally wiped out of all traces of the previous test. What? So that we won't blab it to others? Pathetic. Anyway, I'm quite doubtful that I'll pass the exam, but I'm still going to pray for it. Because, honestly, UP doesn't seem a bad choice of campus, considering the fact that I immediately fell in love with the greenery and the infrastructures inside the university. Too bad my courses are based on UP Manila. Diliman is pretty decent. 

To all my readers (again, if there are any :), please pray for me, that I pass the examination. I'd really be a great help. So, pictures galore.

Why didn't I see my soulmate out there? I didn't even saw a trace of anyone from school. Maybe because the campus is just so freakin' large?

I hate it. I just hate it. I wish I reviewed for the UPCAT. I was too dumb to realize that indeed, I'm only undergoing this once. I won't have any chance to take it again. And it's rightful to think that you should at least feel satisfied and confident at how well you performed the exam. I just blew it. I'm such a deluded moron. With USTET, I'm definitely going to stand on firm ground by slowly making my way reviewing everything that I've encountered so far in school. I won't regret it, this time around.

Now, I connected the irony, I know, and the first time I saw the sign, it's the first thing that I thought. But let's not put any malice here. :) By this, I absorbed the vastness of the UP Campus. I mean, this is just the cafe and it took like, half a block. I'm seriously addicted to this campus. Move aside, UST!

Oh, nostalgia, why do you have to hurt so much? Why do you have to remind me of the things that I had before and how I happy I was then? Why wrench my heart so harshly?

Now don't we look pretty?

Congratulations, to those people who succeeded in completely ruining me. You are awesome. Great even. I wouldn't have had any guts to do that to another person. But well, what can I say, you're different. You can make a person feel so insecure just by your cold stares and silent treatments. If ever someone comes up to me and wishes to botch their lives, I'll recommend you people big time. Because instead of taking drugs, you can make a person end up the same by your slow, but steady destruction of what they already have so far. 

I just wish, for the nth time, that you know. That you know what is happening to me. And that you know that you are a sure part of it. Because when the time comes that I won't be able to take it all in, at least we know who's partly to blame. You can find it all here. And maybe, if I get a dash of creativity, I might even make tapes, just like a book's protagonist did, in order for the people around her to be aware of their actions. At least, now, you know. 

MAMATAY NA! I'm trying not to care but all of you are making it harder for me. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just disappear from my life? You know, it'd would've been much better with all of you gone. Do you know how hard it is to live my life thinking in every second of every moment that I'm a failure, I'm worthless and I'm not needed? How dare you make me feel like that? How dare you ruin everything I can hold on to? Can't you please leave something for me atleast? Can't somebody understand, even if just a little bit. Does anybody even know what I'm going through? What the repercussions of all your actions in my life? DO YOU?

For once, I just want a normal life. I want to live like a fifteen year old. And that's the point. I'M ONLY FIFTEEN! I DON'T NEED GO THROUGH THIS. I DON'T NEED THIS. I'm spending my time, wondering what makes me totally different from others. I'm already robbed of my self confidence. MY TRUST IN MYSELF. Do you know how important that is in order to survive everything? I'm wondering every single day, who do I wake up for? To whom can I siphon my energy from? What inspires me to continue this life? NOTHING. And everyday, I have to deal with that. To deal that nothing is going right in my life anymore. And it's hard for me to accept that there might not be a silver lining. 

I don't know my direction anymore. The point of all this. I'm losing myself, but you're too busy living your own fascinating lives to care. Do you know the things that went through my mind while I'm carrying all of this in my heart? ANGER. BETRAYAL. FRUSTRATION. And then DISAPPOINTMENT. Disappointment that there is no pakikipagkapwa-tao after all. There is nothing like that. Because if there is, I would've felt it now. But you know what, in my ruined state, I'm still trying to give back to others. Trying to advice others when I can't even help myself. I can't even comfort myself. I just wish somebody would spare me some minutes and take the chance to talk with me. I really wish someone would. But no. They get too scared or too irritated to care. That's reality. 

This is my last day as a care-free student. I've done a lot dozing and lazing around to push me to the cramming period. Although the pressure hasn't hit me yet, I'm pretty the weight of 12 journal entries for Filipino class and 3 home works to axe off for Economics would come soon enough. Plus, let's not forget about the 50 letters I have to write (the blazes of hell) for my class's upcoming retreat in Caleruega. Oh yeah, I'm forgetting that I am indeed a senior high school student and that in a few months time, "Sayona de~". 

All in all, I have given up. :( I still wanted to continue playing the Starry Sky series but given spoilers that I've read from funny Otome bloggers, and the complete unavailability of English patches (so I can comprehend properly), the idea's already turning sour for me by the minute. Maybe after a windfall of home works and quizzes next week, I'm totally going to forget all about my past with my precious constellation guys :( 

And who knows, maybe by the summer, an English Patch for Starry Sky In Summer would be released by a couple of life savers. But whether that happens or not remains to be seen in the future. If only I know how to read Japanese characters... Well then, it can't be helped.

 I still haven't finished Yoh's route though in SS In Spring. Yah- I'm hovering on not tapping on it anymore. I never really liked Yoh in the first place. 

Kanata's route was pretty plain and unromantic too. It's just Kanata, always blushing and then fighting. It also didn't help that Tsukiko was avoiding him that caused him to pass out after the observation thingy affair in school. God. I hate them.But I still like Kanata. LOLS. Just because he's a crybaby and there's something that makes me go Oh-Oh-Oh. His true ending redeemed his pretty disappointing scenes and reactions though. Really, Honeybee. Get a grip.

As for Suzuya... well, yeah yeah, I got him first but after playing Kanata... I'm starting to hate him. I want to push him off the stairs. Haha. Kidding. And while I was on the Kan-kan path, there were a lot of scenes about Suzuya and his "budding" feelings for Tsukiko that he just keeps locked up. Honestly, okasa. I can't help thinking that the creators were Suzuya-biased. And also, his scenes were a lot more romantic. Totally not fair; whereas Kanata's were full of unnecessary worrying and childish awkwardness. Or maybe, Cancers are really just more sweet than Pisces. 

Oh why the hell can't I read or understand Japanese? DUH, because I'm not Japanese. So I'm probably just going to give up on this. Oh well, it was great while it lasted. Goodbye, my handsome bishies. 

And the die was cast. All I'm waiting for right now would be the date of the execution. I mean, the release date of the UPCAT test results. Since I'm part of the first batch to take the UP admission test scheduled early in the morning, I have to drag myself out there before 6:30 in the morning. Fortunately, there wasn't any misgivings of couple of hours lack of sleep for I got up all by myself about 2 hours early. That just indicates how excited I am to take this test. Not that I've prepared for it or anything, I didn't even have a refresher of my geometry course days before. I did cram little snippets of terms from scanning a crash review booklet I received from the review center I enrolled in during the last month of summer. 

Since we set off ahead of time, we didn't encounter any traffic on the way over. I gave my friend Diana a lift because we were designated on the same place anyway. And good thing too because I wouldn't know what to do if I was left alone there together with other faces, students from other schools who are apparently, my peers. I had this perception when I was still an adolescent that there aren't a lot of 13 year olds in the world. Because I don't often see anyone my age then (people I came across with were either too old or too young) I just resorted to thinking that my species (generation) was rare. Hah. Funny thought once you see the number of students desperate to be admitted in the state university. 

So fast forward blah blah blah to the instruction orientation before the exam, it felt all so surreal. And queer too. What I mean is, I literally felt like that was a pivotal moment in my life. Like some sort of stepping stone. It's like I'm there because it's something important. Now I know I didn't study for it, but I don't want to think about that because it just makes me feel restless and depressed that I didn't take it seriously until the actual moment that I'm about to take it. It's sad, to realize that you should have prepared for it, since it won't happen again for the rest for you life. As they say, you only take the upcat ONCE. And that's that. 

For starters, there weren't any hot guys mixed among the examinees. Some looked up to par, but none of them passed my qualifications. Not that I actually expected awesome guys to show up. Although I'll take my hat off to our examiner, at least he looked a bit decent and his voice is just amazing. You wouldn't even notice that he's reading some sort of manual to relay the instructions. As for the test, well its... a test, yeah. After being done with it, I guess it's not really that hard. It's none different from elementary entrance exams, with the exception of the range of topics covered. There's your general science, a bit of biology, quite an unpleasant lot of Chemistry, and a little of your Physics. Nothing less.

Mathematics will always be mathematics, what do you expect? English was all right. Didn't have much trouble there, though I had misgivings for a few items. After answering each subtest, I immediately forgot all about it. I don't even remember any particular questions. It's like once the proctor instructed us to shut our exam questionnaire, a memory charm was cast upon us (Obliviate!) and our minds are totally wiped out of all traces of the previous test. What? So that we won't blab it to others? Pathetic. Anyway, I'm quite doubtful that I'll pass the exam, but I'm still going to pray for it. Because, honestly, UP doesn't seem a bad choice of campus, considering the fact that I immediately fell in love with the greenery and the infrastructures inside the university. Too bad my courses are based on UP Manila. Diliman is pretty decent. 

To all my readers (again, if there are any :), please pray for me, that I pass the examination. I'd really be a great help. So, pictures galore.

Why didn't I see my soulmate out there? I didn't even saw a trace of anyone from school. Maybe because the campus is just so freakin' large?

I hate it. I just hate it. I wish I reviewed for the UPCAT. I was too dumb to realize that indeed, I'm only undergoing this once. I won't have any chance to take it again. And it's rightful to think that you should at least feel satisfied and confident at how well you performed the exam. I just blew it. I'm such a deluded moron. With USTET, I'm definitely going to stand on firm ground by slowly making my way reviewing everything that I've encountered so far in school. I won't regret it, this time around.

Now, I connected the irony, I know, and the first time I saw the sign, it's the first thing that I thought. But let's not put any malice here. :) By this, I absorbed the vastness of the UP Campus. I mean, this is just the cafe and it took like, half a block. I'm seriously addicted to this campus. Move aside, UST!

Oh, nostalgia, why do you have to hurt so much? Why do you have to remind me of the things that I had before and how I happy I was then? Why wrench my heart so harshly?

Now don't we look pretty?

Congratulations, to those people who succeeded in completely ruining me. You are awesome. Great even. I wouldn't have had any guts to do that to another person. But well, what can I say, you're different. You can make a person feel so insecure just by your cold stares and silent treatments. If ever someone comes up to me and wishes to botch their lives, I'll recommend you people big time. Because instead of taking drugs, you can make a person end up the same by your slow, but steady destruction of what they already have so far. 

I just wish, for the nth time, that you know. That you know what is happening to me. And that you know that you are a sure part of it. Because when the time comes that I won't be able to take it all in, at least we know who's partly to blame. You can find it all here. And maybe, if I get a dash of creativity, I might even make tapes, just like a book's protagonist did, in order for the people around her to be aware of their actions. At least, now, you know. 

MAMATAY NA! I'm trying not to care but all of you are making it harder for me. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just disappear from my life? You know, it'd would've been much better with all of you gone. Do you know how hard it is to live my life thinking in every second of every moment that I'm a failure, I'm worthless and I'm not needed? How dare you make me feel like that? How dare you ruin everything I can hold on to? Can't you please leave something for me atleast? Can't somebody understand, even if just a little bit. Does anybody even know what I'm going through? What the repercussions of all your actions in my life? DO YOU?

For once, I just want a normal life. I want to live like a fifteen year old. And that's the point. I'M ONLY FIFTEEN! I DON'T NEED GO THROUGH THIS. I DON'T NEED THIS. I'm spending my time, wondering what makes me totally different from others. I'm already robbed of my self confidence. MY TRUST IN MYSELF. Do you know how important that is in order to survive everything? I'm wondering every single day, who do I wake up for? To whom can I siphon my energy from? What inspires me to continue this life? NOTHING. And everyday, I have to deal with that. To deal that nothing is going right in my life anymore. And it's hard for me to accept that there might not be a silver lining. 

I don't know my direction anymore. The point of all this. I'm losing myself, but you're too busy living your own fascinating lives to care. Do you know the things that went through my mind while I'm carrying all of this in my heart? ANGER. BETRAYAL. FRUSTRATION. And then DISAPPOINTMENT. Disappointment that there is no pakikipagkapwa-tao after all. There is nothing like that. Because if there is, I would've felt it now. But you know what, in my ruined state, I'm still trying to give back to others. Trying to advice others when I can't even help myself. I can't even comfort myself. I just wish somebody would spare me some minutes and take the chance to talk with me. I really wish someone would. But no. They get too scared or too irritated to care. That's reality.