Platonic Friendship
Monday, June 21, 20107:53 PM
Platonic Friendship. What the hell is that? Derived from some effing dictionary I found on the net: Platonic Friendship; friendship which keeps its hands to itself and remains that way. Doesn't involve love, whatsoever. Yeah right. NOOOOOO!!! Okay, people, I'm actually aware that I'm freaking out and it not supposed to be a surprise for you when I just drop dead on the street. Nah, I'm kidding. I won't have any life threatening emotional attacks just yet. It's just that while I was thinking about my situation (at times when my mind is so "kalog" and when I'm harassing myself delving into notions that are not my concern or even when simply accompanying my dear friend Dawn as she dashes back two flights of steps a long hallway and into the library to retrieve her i.d, with me tagging along) this two word thing popped into my mind.
And so, there. I provided the meaning and it couldn't have been more clearer if the sun actually emerged from the clouds and immediately blinded me while I shout AHHHH!!! What is happening in my life? I don't have a proper worth, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I forget things I shouldn't, I hate people I shouldn't be hating and I'm on the brink of despair. But still, no, I'm not crying and I don't have any intention to do so. Since so far, I could still handle things and juggle them together with the starting point of the onslaught of a mountain of home works and requirements to be fulfilled. And anyway, I don't have any reason to be sad, and I'm going to end up crazy if I pass this moment by being emotional and reflective and such when these kinds of times only come once in a light year. No. I'm kidding. Maybe once after three weeks.
Plus, my love life sucks. Hahaha. Gotcha there. But no, in a way, it still sucks. But, don't get me wrong. I don't really care about my love life (okay, I'm gonna be honest here, it matters a little bit) and it's totally fine with me if it goes nowhere and I come upon a dead end at some point. It doesn't matter, it just comes to that after some time anyway. I think it became a pattern already. Like someone, feel happy about it, finds out he loves someone else, go emo about it, go through turmoil and remorse for ever feeling this way about him, give yourself some hope that he'll come to someday and realize that you're meant to be, realize you're wrong and you're just a deluded moron, let go, still can't do it, fall in love with him all over again, go through another set of pain, then finally let go. I know, it's a pretty long and winding road you've got there. And you can tell me that it ain't easy.
Not that I'm treating the thing I have now as different from the rest, but come on, once in a while you just have to believe that you've got a chance here and anything might happen. But I guess that's only for the hopeless romantics like me and the legions of deluded morons throughout the path of love. Love is never, I repeat NEVER fair. But only if it's not meant to be and someone somewhere knows that it's not supposed to come together. Don't worry, it's just destiny's harsh way of saying "I love you that's why I'm dragging you off of him so you would be free when the Prince of your dreams comes for you." Goshness... Am I being inspired or what? Haha.
Well. To stop beating around the bush, I'm just going to proceed to the main reason why I wrote this post; which is, to expand on what's happening in my boring life right now. I have no idea how to tell you how I am right now, but I guess there's one thing that's floating around in my thoughts right now. You see, a while ago, when it was still in the early afternoon (I'm actually telling you that quarter to five in the afternoon is early), and I was back to the circular fountain with absolutely no water and dry as a gourd in the Tarc of our alma matter. I just came from outside, after accompanying a good friend of mine to the photocopier to do some print outs of the book about Rizal that I borrowed in the library. Of course, it was a bit hot and I'm sweating like a horse (the mere thought is disgusting) and I'm thinking that by virtual illusions, I look like a melting chocolate ice cream. I didn't look my best then.
So, actually, what I was really doing was waiting there for my dad and "his" arrival since it's been half an hour since they ventured out. The stones on the bench were like a furnace and my bottom was like being grilled, even if I sit on the hem of my uniform, it still makes no difference. You know, I have this kind of intuition, where I could predict things that will happen, and my instincts are usually 80% rational and about 8/10 of it comes true. And so I had the feeling that he'd come any minute now and so I positioned myself properly (even if it was freaking hot and I literally felt like my nose was going to disappear and my face was going melt into a puddle, plus, I probably look gross with all the sweat on my face), holding the green book I borrowed from the library by the eaves and with it open to some random page.
When they finally arrived, well, as you know, I was a bit, I repeat, A BIT uneasy. I find it queer but these last few days, OKAY, this day, I feel as if I'm not affected that much anymore as I did before, about him, I mean. We talked and I was like literally talking nonchalantly with him and a couple of good friends and I was actually managing without fainting. Okay, that's over acting, I'm not that die hard, mind you. And he was speaking to me, and I to him, and I'm agreeing and stuff, even though I didn't really hear some of the things he was talking about (I think they were the home works for tomorrow, though, of course, I'm half listening and I do know what I'm answering to him) mainly because my mind was short circuiting at how calmly I'm taking this and how un-maliced and nonchalant he was conversing with me (as if the things that happened in our previous meeting never happened and I didn't freak out in front of him and giggled like some school girl and lost all my control and something weird happened and I was deluding myself again before I realized it's a trick of destiny and it's playing with me again).
I guess it's a good thing. And he actually shook my hand before, in the classroom. What a weird thing to do. Well, anyway, that means that it's okay with him, and come to think of it, he was actually CORDIAL with me. It's as if we made some truce and we compromised all the ill thoughts and the malice and my feelings together with it. It's as if something changed and I don't really know what it is. It's driving me crazy and up to the wall. I'd end up institutionalized if I don't stop this crap. Just joking. But I really am intrigued. And... I don't why I feel it's different, but he became nice to me and treats me like any other friend. Well isn't that nice? Isn't it? Don't you think so? Right? Yeah? Right? Oh, crap.
And the absolute bomb at the end, the light bulb that turned on (after much switch flipping in my brain) when it happened; he waved me goodbye. Nice one Blessie. Really very nice. I know it's a good thing and I'm actually pretty lucky to be waved and wished goodbye by my "special someone" but hey, I'm only human and I'm entitled to a few thoughts here and there. It's just that in some part of me, it pinched a bit and all I could do as I dragged my dad away from the ersatz fountain was to smile sadly and look at the setting sun up above. Then shake my head a few times. And say AHHH!!! once again. Maybe, someday, I'd come to admitting to myself and telling you what I felt at that moment. But just to give you an idea, it's pretty related to the title of this blog post.
All my love,
Blessie
P.S
I love you, just like this. The longed end of wandering.
And so, there. I provided the meaning and it couldn't have been more clearer if the sun actually emerged from the clouds and immediately blinded me while I shout AHHHH!!! What is happening in my life? I don't have a proper worth, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I forget things I shouldn't, I hate people I shouldn't be hating and I'm on the brink of despair. But still, no, I'm not crying and I don't have any intention to do so. Since so far, I could still handle things and juggle them together with the starting point of the onslaught of a mountain of home works and requirements to be fulfilled. And anyway, I don't have any reason to be sad, and I'm going to end up crazy if I pass this moment by being emotional and reflective and such when these kinds of times only come once in a light year. No. I'm kidding. Maybe once after three weeks.
Plus, my love life sucks. Hahaha. Gotcha there. But no, in a way, it still sucks. But, don't get me wrong. I don't really care about my love life (okay, I'm gonna be honest here, it matters a little bit) and it's totally fine with me if it goes nowhere and I come upon a dead end at some point. It doesn't matter, it just comes to that after some time anyway. I think it became a pattern already. Like someone, feel happy about it, finds out he loves someone else, go emo about it, go through turmoil and remorse for ever feeling this way about him, give yourself some hope that he'll come to someday and realize that you're meant to be, realize you're wrong and you're just a deluded moron, let go, still can't do it, fall in love with him all over again, go through another set of pain, then finally let go. I know, it's a pretty long and winding road you've got there. And you can tell me that it ain't easy.
Not that I'm treating the thing I have now as different from the rest, but come on, once in a while you just have to believe that you've got a chance here and anything might happen. But I guess that's only for the hopeless romantics like me and the legions of deluded morons throughout the path of love. Love is never, I repeat NEVER fair. But only if it's not meant to be and someone somewhere knows that it's not supposed to come together. Don't worry, it's just destiny's harsh way of saying "I love you that's why I'm dragging you off of him so you would be free when the Prince of your dreams comes for you." Goshness... Am I being inspired or what? Haha.
Well. To stop beating around the bush, I'm just going to proceed to the main reason why I wrote this post; which is, to expand on what's happening in my boring life right now. I have no idea how to tell you how I am right now, but I guess there's one thing that's floating around in my thoughts right now. You see, a while ago, when it was still in the early afternoon (I'm actually telling you that quarter to five in the afternoon is early), and I was back to the circular fountain with absolutely no water and dry as a gourd in the Tarc of our alma matter. I just came from outside, after accompanying a good friend of mine to the photocopier to do some print outs of the book about Rizal that I borrowed in the library. Of course, it was a bit hot and I'm sweating like a horse (the mere thought is disgusting) and I'm thinking that by virtual illusions, I look like a melting chocolate ice cream. I didn't look my best then.
So, actually, what I was really doing was waiting there for my dad and "his" arrival since it's been half an hour since they ventured out. The stones on the bench were like a furnace and my bottom was like being grilled, even if I sit on the hem of my uniform, it still makes no difference. You know, I have this kind of intuition, where I could predict things that will happen, and my instincts are usually 80% rational and about 8/10 of it comes true. And so I had the feeling that he'd come any minute now and so I positioned myself properly (even if it was freaking hot and I literally felt like my nose was going to disappear and my face was going melt into a puddle, plus, I probably look gross with all the sweat on my face), holding the green book I borrowed from the library by the eaves and with it open to some random page.
When they finally arrived, well, as you know, I was a bit, I repeat, A BIT uneasy. I find it queer but these last few days, OKAY, this day, I feel as if I'm not affected that much anymore as I did before, about him, I mean. We talked and I was like literally talking nonchalantly with him and a couple of good friends and I was actually managing without fainting. Okay, that's over acting, I'm not that die hard, mind you. And he was speaking to me, and I to him, and I'm agreeing and stuff, even though I didn't really hear some of the things he was talking about (I think they were the home works for tomorrow, though, of course, I'm half listening and I do know what I'm answering to him) mainly because my mind was short circuiting at how calmly I'm taking this and how un-maliced and nonchalant he was conversing with me (as if the things that happened in our previous meeting never happened and I didn't freak out in front of him and giggled like some school girl and lost all my control and something weird happened and I was deluding myself again before I realized it's a trick of destiny and it's playing with me again).
I guess it's a good thing. And he actually shook my hand before, in the classroom. What a weird thing to do. Well, anyway, that means that it's okay with him, and come to think of it, he was actually CORDIAL with me. It's as if we made some truce and we compromised all the ill thoughts and the malice and my feelings together with it. It's as if something changed and I don't really know what it is. It's driving me crazy and up to the wall. I'd end up institutionalized if I don't stop this crap. Just joking. But I really am intrigued. And... I don't why I feel it's different, but he became nice to me and treats me like any other friend. Well isn't that nice? Isn't it? Don't you think so? Right? Yeah? Right? Oh, crap.
And the absolute bomb at the end, the light bulb that turned on (after much switch flipping in my brain) when it happened; he waved me goodbye. Nice one Blessie. Really very nice. I know it's a good thing and I'm actually pretty lucky to be waved and wished goodbye by my "special someone" but hey, I'm only human and I'm entitled to a few thoughts here and there. It's just that in some part of me, it pinched a bit and all I could do as I dragged my dad away from the ersatz fountain was to smile sadly and look at the setting sun up above. Then shake my head a few times. And say AHHH!!! once again. Maybe, someday, I'd come to admitting to myself and telling you what I felt at that moment. But just to give you an idea, it's pretty related to the title of this blog post.
All my love,
Blessie
P.S
I love you, just like this. The longed end of wandering.
I leave behind this world's unending sadness.
Walking the many and unknowable paths, I follow a dim light.
It's something we'll do together to the end, into the new world.
From Into the New World by SNSD
Walking the many and unknowable paths, I follow a dim light.
It's something we'll do together to the end, into the new world.
From Into the New World by SNSD
Labels: heart, life, love, me, school
