Lifelong Searches

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Lifelong Searches
(May 28, 2010 - March 29, 2012)

The Only Exception

Friday, June 4, 201011:38 AM

Well, good morning people! All right! I know I'm okay now. Life is so-so, not exactly perfect but in a way, it's beautiful and precious in some reasons. I don't know why, but sometimes, I find it hard to write proper blog posts when I'm exceptionally happy or serene at some point, and it feels like my brain is short circuiting and I'm actually running out of words to describe and capture the entire moment. But I guess I find it important to write something when rare moments happen like this because I guess I wanted to document everything that happens since and I want to see myself look back and read once again this post and remember how happy I was that day.

And so, I'm back to my roots again. I heart heart heart Paramore once again!!! It makes me terribly regretful that I actually missed their concert some years ago. Or was it a year ago? I don't know. You might probably be wondering what makes me above the clouds this time? Well... let's say I've found eternal bliss in thinking that everything is really going to be all right somehow. I've been biding my time during the last few days and I've set myself in a goal that I fully intend to fulfill, no matter what it takes.

What I was meaning to do was to forget what I felt for someone and actually give selflessness a shot. You know how they say these days and even in the old days? That if you really love someone, you'd be happy where he's happy and you'd be willing to set him free even if it costs your own happiness and love. I know from past experiences that this won't be easy. Even others around tell me that they had a hard time too. But if I have done it once, maybe I could do it again. I guess, this is just the fate of people who find love at the wrong time. Maybe, it's not really meant to be, so you need to give way.

I can't remember the countless times that I have wondered, what if I was in a different time and that I didn't love him at all. But what kills it the most is that I am so willing to free him and leave him to where he'd be contented, but on the other hand, the one he loves doesn't really pay attention to his feelings? How could I stand and just look, if, before my eyes, he cries and just merely look on? One broken heart is enough. Oh, well, here I go again, talking about these things and getting all MUSHY again. Ugh.

But anyway, it's too early for that. Things may still happen and maybe the unexpected would happen in some way or so. Destiny could never be figured out and everything is a mystery. In the meantime, it's up to me to live my life the way it should be lived. And guess what, as woeful as my summer is, "my dear friend" didn't abandon me at all! I really thought I was lost and I'm ruined, not to mention crushed; but in the end, my reward lies after all the water that seeped out of my eyes. I feel so fulfilled and happy, I couldn't really carve out the smile off my face. Since I didn't have anything better do, I decided to take pictures using the cam in my laptop. (Actually, I was just trying it out, and seeing if it'd produce good pictures.) And here are the masterpiece results.

Oh no. What have I done. I look like a... something.

There..., okay, I can't help laughing. Don't my nose look big there? I don't know why, but these days, I seem to have the habit of downing myself around and when I view my pictures that are recently taken, I seem to see myself as some mutated animal or something. By the way, I admit, I got a bit chubby by the summer since I have nothing to do but sit in front of the computer the whole and eat, sleep and wake up again in the morning. It's extremely boring and redundant around here. And my brother has a way of making it suck more and at the same time providing enough entertainment for me to keep myself busy. I just noticed, were both been kept busy by our own goals in the last few days of May and up to now. Him, in his infinite lust to achieve a higher level in the Facebook application "Ninja Saga" and defeat all those computer hogger-slash-geek and be number one. AS ALWAYS.

I, on the other hand, made my blog site my ultimate project and I've been spending whole days to make it more presentable than it was before. (Which was, mainly, a lot of dead colors and a pink blip here and there, then absolutely nothing comes after. Yes, it's like a corpse. No offense to the initial designer.) Then, it random moments, he'll (my brother) sit next to me and tell me point blankly that "Hey, you know, you look fat." LIKE WHAT? I know honesty is a good policy but he can be a bit rude and horrible sometimes with his little truths. I mean, he could just break it me gently and say "You know what? I think you grew a bit "more" lately." or a "You look fuller." He could have said THAT. But no. Instead, he goes on, stepping on my self confidence and bringing it to crumbling pieces. I want to shout "I KNOW RIGHT? NOW SHUT UP AND SKITTLE OFF SOMEWHERE." I don't mind being rude with someone so rude. It's the way of the world.

Just because he lost all his baby fats this summer (apparently, due to some weird growth spurt) and he's grown ALMOST (mind you) as tall as me, doesn't mean he can just call me fat straight flat on my face. Might as well be polite. And then people would start telling my mom "Your binata is so handsome eh? You look good little boy, don't you?" Oh, please, give me a break. But, oh well. I guess that's a good thing. For who else would he inherit some of his genes? We have the same genes so YOU KNOW, makes me uh, good looking too. Just the law of genetics... OH WHO AM I KIDDING? Haha. I'm just joking.

Above is my brother on the side line, playing with my BFF charm.

So troublesome. Well, anyway, you have to forgive me for being random. I'm supposed to write about my feelings this day, particularly what I felt when I first sat in front of my laptop, browsed in Facebook, saw something he wrote, and heard "The Only Exception" by Paramore from my Itunes library. Oh no.... This just gives me a memory landslide. All those times, when my soul was deeply crushed, and I was feeling like an actual failure. But then again, good memories happened that I wouldn't want to forget. But, that was last January up to March. They're no good now but distant memories that I, alone would remember.

Good thing I will always have my nights; nights when I could remember them in good grace under the twilight and the twinkling stars amid. Nights where I could be alone and reflect on what is happening in my life. Times when I wonder....

Since I'm such a kind blog mistress, I'd share to you some of the lines that touched me deeply in the Paramore's new baby: "The Only Exception"

When I was younger

I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it doesn't exist

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I have sworn that I'm
Content in loneliness

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

And I'm on my way to believing...

Okay. So, that wasn't the whole song, and it's just bit parts of it, but they're the lines that affected me most. They had such straight to the point meaning. And of course, the good part:

But darling,
YOU ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTION

LOVELOTZ,

Blessie Anne

P.S

SG, you are the only exception...
And I'm on my way to believing...
So I'm going to try to set you free...