Finally I'm free of high school. It still hasn't sunk yet but I'm pretty sure it will. Someday soon. I feel fine and sadly, I'm still contemplating on deactivating my current Facebook account. There's really no ill feelings there but somehow being constantly reminded of the painful memories can be quite too much. And there's really no way to delete him from my friend list. I've made that mistake once and I'm never going to do it again. I just feel that right now, the best way to totally unchain myself from my love for him and all our melodramatic memories would be to put some distance between us. And I feel that it would do us both good if I gave him the space that he wanted for a long time.

Of course my feelings are nowhere near gone but I'm working on it. I just can't wait for the time when he won't anymore occupy every single space in my brain and memory. Well it doesn't help that for the duration of the day all my parents ever talked about was the stunt his parents pulled during the awarding of exemplary students for academics. I have to be forced to talk about him then. Now tell me who's supposed to move on. But oh well. 

The graduation itself was no big deal. Unfortunately, I didn't feel moved by it one bit but I do appreciate the ambiance that they managed to imbibe in an otherwise perfectly indifferent gymnasium and make it look like a detached replica of what might have been done to a decorated PICC. And aside from the barely filled venue (there were bleachers everywhere and it was really impossible to fill it all up with people since our batch's population is kinda lacking), the atmosphere during the ceremony was able to capture that sense of solemnity and formality. Oh yeah, and the students managed to shut their traps up and behave accordingly during the event. 

My mom did my make-up and really, I had my own misgivings about that since well, its my MOM doing the make-up. She's like, from a completely different time dimension and I'm not sure if she's really good at mixing colors. So I just threw caution to the winds and let her do it. To be honest, the make-up got that toned down look that portrays no make-up at all that was, pretty much what I asked of the numerous make-up artists that handled my face during the two times that I had prom. But with all the lights and banter during the graduation, I looked like I had no color at all at the screen. And the face oil, for goodness sake. Not to mention the fuss that I was when my name was called for a special award. Now really?

Because you see I came to the graduation thinking that all I really get to take home would be my diploma. I was focused on that thought and to be honest, quite nostalgic since during my elementary graduation, I got all these awards and medals. It was rather sad because I was used to that and to be just an ordinary graduate like my batch mates was four years ago is unfamiliar territory to me. And yet I managed and during the awarding, I actually didn't feel any envy or ill will. I was truly happy for the awardees and their parents. And just like that, the surprise fell out from the sky. After giving out the medals for the conduct students and academic royalty, the special awardees were announced. Now Mr. Emmanuel Batulan, the school secretary already informed us that there WILL be special awardees and its supposed to be a surprise but I didn't have an inkling that I would be in that list.

You see it was these awards given for students who got top scores for the past CEM examination. But that's like, nothing; just something that the students are obliged to get to diagnose their efficiency in the different subjects offered by the school and deduce if they are up to notch. You do not acknowledge who got top scores. But apparently, they decided to give awards for these students. And by jove, I got one. For Filipino. Now that's surprising. As luck would have it, I was the first person to be called so I had to stand and get my medal. Only I didn't know that I have to get a medal and I ended up standing there at the sidelines like an idiot and glancing every which way rapidly. And my face was FLASHED ON THE SCREEN. REALLY NOW? Oh I looked hideous and I was slouching. The horror. But I guess it's God's way to remind me that he hasn't completely forgotten about me.

Although it was such a pain standing for hours in high heels. Or maybe its just my shoes, I don't know. By the time we got out of the UST Pavilion, my feet were literally on fire. It was that painful. I'm never going to wear closed shoes again. Especially pointed ones. Never. Even if they look good. Okay, maybe yes, but not often.



After singing the batch song which is "Time of My Life" by David Cook (which mind you, nobody bothered to memorize and gah, we were all mumbling by the second stanza of the song and spurting out made up lyrics), everybody proceeded to hug and cry in one big mass that there was barely room to move about. It was kinda irritating for my part since I would call out my classmates name, even those I'm not practically close to and they'd you know kinda ignore me because someone would reach them first and hug them. And I'm always freaking wrong timing.  I would go near them but then they'd be talking to someone else or preoccupied and I'd end up being ignored. Humiliating. Anyway, I'm just glad that I'm finally leaving all these things behind.

Especially this person, who I've loved, and was never mine. I have so many things I want to tell him. But I guess now's not the time, nor maybe ever. Because I'm leaving him behind and everything he ever was to me. I know I can write so many words about him and what I feel but it would all be pointless. Instead I'm saying these for him, thank you for showing me what love is and for giving me many opportunities to learn and grow as a person. You hurt me, from the bottom of my heart and right till the very end. And good bye, because I'm now going to forget you and everything that connects me to you. Be all right, okay? Find that love and be happy.

It just seems like yesterday when I was full of hope for a new chapter in my life, the zest that they call high school. Ugh. I sound cliche just right now. But after four years, here I am, about to face a bigger part of my life and also getting ready to leave behind that "future" that I was so ready to face when I was still that wide eyed preppy 13 year old. What to make of it? High school is, was many things and if you'll try to capture some recap in your head of all those years when you've had just about every "firsts" that you can cram in your life, you'd end up with this mashed up and slightly deformed version of things. Because really, no matter how you cling dearly to those things that made you happy, sad, fulfilled and disappointed, all that they are memories. 

I've once tried to experiment with this stuff. I'm pretty sure everybody has tried it once in their lives. Maybe because it's a fun thing to do with you have nothing to kill time. I'd sit somewhere and do these actions, anything actually, may it be from just scratching your nose to working up a funky dance. You do it and as you finish the action it will hit you that what you did is done. It can never happen again; maybe you could perform the same actions but it won't be the same. Right to the last minute detail. That's why our present is so precious. It can easily slip by our fingers and like a snake, once you lose the moment, you won't ever have it back. All that's left as an option would just really be to move forward. 

Talk about blogs, this blog has been with me since day one of high school. Or not exactly. Somehow, I can't bring myself to consider my first year in high school as really being start of high school. Because there's too much of my elementary memories seeping within me then. Although, I did meet some great friends and curiously, our lives still intersect once in a while. Right now I can even name a few. :) 

I don't know, I don't remember much from my first year since I guess I wasn't given the chance then to test myself and know who I really am. Because life was then a simple walk from home to studies. There was no intense social life to deal upon, no love life to overtly keel over, and certainly no insecurities on my part. There are times that I wanted to go back to who I was before. To how I felt before. To how I viewed life before. But looking at it now in a different light, I don't think I want to go back. I have made many mistakes and have endured a lot, but I think I like who I am now. Not any more perfect, but at the least, a tad stronger. It's to consider running away, especially when we know our weaknesses and are afraid that these very things can easily pull us under. But if we focus on going ahead and walking that path in front of our feet, we can very much leave our own footsteps and make it count. 

Second Year was everything. Because it was the time when the hurt was finally getting through to me. The time when I started to find out that true love or a love that counts at least, is something you can't easily forget. That facing love for the first time and truly accepting another person for what he is attaches you to that person. It was also that period when I felt that life was still fair with me. When I would fail or commit minimal mistakes in class and I'd foolishly weep over it, but then after much determination, scheming, and believing, I'd still be rewarded. A time when I didn't doubt myself and knew that what I do matters. That I was not a nobody and that people would listen to me when I talk. I knew then in my heart that I'm the lead of my own life. And not anyone else. 

What endeared me to that year were also the endless opportunities for the class to get closer and feel what each of our hearts yearn to say. Those times when we'd stay up late and even though we'd go home tired, the night would be immortal and infinite. It felt good going home during those nights because everyone knew we've made something so special and delicate. We also had the teachers that anyone would dream of having. Teachers who, instead of pushing their students away, would give them the spotlight to break free and help find their identities for them. It was with these mentors that I was able to find my place; know where I belong. For that, I owe them everything. 

Third year was particularly the worst. I don't even know how I survived that wreckage of a year. I can't count how many times my heart broke, how many place I've cooped up in and cried, how painful it was while my confidence and trust in people ran thin. I can still remember my futile efforts to forget, how I've flitted from person to person, never really finding what I'm looking for. Even now, it make me sad to think of how many times I've pleaded with God to take these stupid feelings away. And oh, the many ways how I tried to cope. This was also the year when I pretty much felt that everything was being taken away from me. How everything seemed to go wrong and the year ended with a sharp dagger in my chest. Of course, take that figuratively, not literally or else I'll be dead by now. Long dead.

Fourth year lived up to its purpose. An end. Fate chose to be kind with me. Even though I wasn't able to restore everything completely and things still continued to hurt, I was able to get some kind of closure. A civil one. To everything, to everybody. I still continue to make mistakes, and believe me, I'm still carrying those guilty burdens up to now. But as I graduate tomorrow, for once I want to be grateful. I want to see a beginning rather than an end. A fresh start. A sign or a mark that I'm living my life. That my life is not for anybody anymore. A life that is completely mine. A life ungoverned by what people think, and how people respond to what I do, but a life dependent on the decisions I make and how I turn it into something worthwhile.

As I leave high school, and come to think of it, this blog (for I'll be starting a completely new one to celebrate my college life) I'll be glad to leave behind the bad and disappointing memories but to take with me the learning experiences and the many "firsts" that completed my symmetry.

P.S

And oh yeah, why Phoenix? And why Dumblydore? Lol. Phoenix since its a bird offering up hope and new life. A phoenix lives as a young, grows into beauty and after awhile, is engulfed in flames to its death. But as the night passes, a phoenix rises from the ashes and lives a great life once more. And Dumblydore because I want to warp my favorite and ideal professor's name.

Finally I'm free of high school. It still hasn't sunk yet but I'm pretty sure it will. Someday soon. I feel fine and sadly, I'm still contemplating on deactivating my current Facebook account. There's really no ill feelings there but somehow being constantly reminded of the painful memories can be quite too much. And there's really no way to delete him from my friend list. I've made that mistake once and I'm never going to do it again. I just feel that right now, the best way to totally unchain myself from my love for him and all our melodramatic memories would be to put some distance between us. And I feel that it would do us both good if I gave him the space that he wanted for a long time.

Of course my feelings are nowhere near gone but I'm working on it. I just can't wait for the time when he won't anymore occupy every single space in my brain and memory. Well it doesn't help that for the duration of the day all my parents ever talked about was the stunt his parents pulled during the awarding of exemplary students for academics. I have to be forced to talk about him then. Now tell me who's supposed to move on. But oh well. 

The graduation itself was no big deal. Unfortunately, I didn't feel moved by it one bit but I do appreciate the ambiance that they managed to imbibe in an otherwise perfectly indifferent gymnasium and make it look like a detached replica of what might have been done to a decorated PICC. And aside from the barely filled venue (there were bleachers everywhere and it was really impossible to fill it all up with people since our batch's population is kinda lacking), the atmosphere during the ceremony was able to capture that sense of solemnity and formality. Oh yeah, and the students managed to shut their traps up and behave accordingly during the event. 

My mom did my make-up and really, I had my own misgivings about that since well, its my MOM doing the make-up. She's like, from a completely different time dimension and I'm not sure if she's really good at mixing colors. So I just threw caution to the winds and let her do it. To be honest, the make-up got that toned down look that portrays no make-up at all that was, pretty much what I asked of the numerous make-up artists that handled my face during the two times that I had prom. But with all the lights and banter during the graduation, I looked like I had no color at all at the screen. And the face oil, for goodness sake. Not to mention the fuss that I was when my name was called for a special award. Now really?

Because you see I came to the graduation thinking that all I really get to take home would be my diploma. I was focused on that thought and to be honest, quite nostalgic since during my elementary graduation, I got all these awards and medals. It was rather sad because I was used to that and to be just an ordinary graduate like my batch mates was four years ago is unfamiliar territory to me. And yet I managed and during the awarding, I actually didn't feel any envy or ill will. I was truly happy for the awardees and their parents. And just like that, the surprise fell out from the sky. After giving out the medals for the conduct students and academic royalty, the special awardees were announced. Now Mr. Emmanuel Batulan, the school secretary already informed us that there WILL be special awardees and its supposed to be a surprise but I didn't have an inkling that I would be in that list.

You see it was these awards given for students who got top scores for the past CEM examination. But that's like, nothing; just something that the students are obliged to get to diagnose their efficiency in the different subjects offered by the school and deduce if they are up to notch. You do not acknowledge who got top scores. But apparently, they decided to give awards for these students. And by jove, I got one. For Filipino. Now that's surprising. As luck would have it, I was the first person to be called so I had to stand and get my medal. Only I didn't know that I have to get a medal and I ended up standing there at the sidelines like an idiot and glancing every which way rapidly. And my face was FLASHED ON THE SCREEN. REALLY NOW? Oh I looked hideous and I was slouching. The horror. But I guess it's God's way to remind me that he hasn't completely forgotten about me.

Although it was such a pain standing for hours in high heels. Or maybe its just my shoes, I don't know. By the time we got out of the UST Pavilion, my feet were literally on fire. It was that painful. I'm never going to wear closed shoes again. Especially pointed ones. Never. Even if they look good. Okay, maybe yes, but not often.



After singing the batch song which is "Time of My Life" by David Cook (which mind you, nobody bothered to memorize and gah, we were all mumbling by the second stanza of the song and spurting out made up lyrics), everybody proceeded to hug and cry in one big mass that there was barely room to move about. It was kinda irritating for my part since I would call out my classmates name, even those I'm not practically close to and they'd you know kinda ignore me because someone would reach them first and hug them. And I'm always freaking wrong timing.  I would go near them but then they'd be talking to someone else or preoccupied and I'd end up being ignored. Humiliating. Anyway, I'm just glad that I'm finally leaving all these things behind.

Especially this person, who I've loved, and was never mine. I have so many things I want to tell him. But I guess now's not the time, nor maybe ever. Because I'm leaving him behind and everything he ever was to me. I know I can write so many words about him and what I feel but it would all be pointless. Instead I'm saying these for him, thank you for showing me what love is and for giving me many opportunities to learn and grow as a person. You hurt me, from the bottom of my heart and right till the very end. And good bye, because I'm now going to forget you and everything that connects me to you. Be all right, okay? Find that love and be happy.

It just seems like yesterday when I was full of hope for a new chapter in my life, the zest that they call high school. Ugh. I sound cliche just right now. But after four years, here I am, about to face a bigger part of my life and also getting ready to leave behind that "future" that I was so ready to face when I was still that wide eyed preppy 13 year old. What to make of it? High school is, was many things and if you'll try to capture some recap in your head of all those years when you've had just about every "firsts" that you can cram in your life, you'd end up with this mashed up and slightly deformed version of things. Because really, no matter how you cling dearly to those things that made you happy, sad, fulfilled and disappointed, all that they are memories. 

I've once tried to experiment with this stuff. I'm pretty sure everybody has tried it once in their lives. Maybe because it's a fun thing to do with you have nothing to kill time. I'd sit somewhere and do these actions, anything actually, may it be from just scratching your nose to working up a funky dance. You do it and as you finish the action it will hit you that what you did is done. It can never happen again; maybe you could perform the same actions but it won't be the same. Right to the last minute detail. That's why our present is so precious. It can easily slip by our fingers and like a snake, once you lose the moment, you won't ever have it back. All that's left as an option would just really be to move forward. 

Talk about blogs, this blog has been with me since day one of high school. Or not exactly. Somehow, I can't bring myself to consider my first year in high school as really being start of high school. Because there's too much of my elementary memories seeping within me then. Although, I did meet some great friends and curiously, our lives still intersect once in a while. Right now I can even name a few. :) 

I don't know, I don't remember much from my first year since I guess I wasn't given the chance then to test myself and know who I really am. Because life was then a simple walk from home to studies. There was no intense social life to deal upon, no love life to overtly keel over, and certainly no insecurities on my part. There are times that I wanted to go back to who I was before. To how I felt before. To how I viewed life before. But looking at it now in a different light, I don't think I want to go back. I have made many mistakes and have endured a lot, but I think I like who I am now. Not any more perfect, but at the least, a tad stronger. It's to consider running away, especially when we know our weaknesses and are afraid that these very things can easily pull us under. But if we focus on going ahead and walking that path in front of our feet, we can very much leave our own footsteps and make it count. 

Second Year was everything. Because it was the time when the hurt was finally getting through to me. The time when I started to find out that true love or a love that counts at least, is something you can't easily forget. That facing love for the first time and truly accepting another person for what he is attaches you to that person. It was also that period when I felt that life was still fair with me. When I would fail or commit minimal mistakes in class and I'd foolishly weep over it, but then after much determination, scheming, and believing, I'd still be rewarded. A time when I didn't doubt myself and knew that what I do matters. That I was not a nobody and that people would listen to me when I talk. I knew then in my heart that I'm the lead of my own life. And not anyone else. 

What endeared me to that year were also the endless opportunities for the class to get closer and feel what each of our hearts yearn to say. Those times when we'd stay up late and even though we'd go home tired, the night would be immortal and infinite. It felt good going home during those nights because everyone knew we've made something so special and delicate. We also had the teachers that anyone would dream of having. Teachers who, instead of pushing their students away, would give them the spotlight to break free and help find their identities for them. It was with these mentors that I was able to find my place; know where I belong. For that, I owe them everything. 

Third year was particularly the worst. I don't even know how I survived that wreckage of a year. I can't count how many times my heart broke, how many place I've cooped up in and cried, how painful it was while my confidence and trust in people ran thin. I can still remember my futile efforts to forget, how I've flitted from person to person, never really finding what I'm looking for. Even now, it make me sad to think of how many times I've pleaded with God to take these stupid feelings away. And oh, the many ways how I tried to cope. This was also the year when I pretty much felt that everything was being taken away from me. How everything seemed to go wrong and the year ended with a sharp dagger in my chest. Of course, take that figuratively, not literally or else I'll be dead by now. Long dead.

Fourth year lived up to its purpose. An end. Fate chose to be kind with me. Even though I wasn't able to restore everything completely and things still continued to hurt, I was able to get some kind of closure. A civil one. To everything, to everybody. I still continue to make mistakes, and believe me, I'm still carrying those guilty burdens up to now. But as I graduate tomorrow, for once I want to be grateful. I want to see a beginning rather than an end. A fresh start. A sign or a mark that I'm living my life. That my life is not for anybody anymore. A life that is completely mine. A life ungoverned by what people think, and how people respond to what I do, but a life dependent on the decisions I make and how I turn it into something worthwhile.

As I leave high school, and come to think of it, this blog (for I'll be starting a completely new one to celebrate my college life) I'll be glad to leave behind the bad and disappointing memories but to take with me the learning experiences and the many "firsts" that completed my symmetry.

P.S

And oh yeah, why Phoenix? And why Dumblydore? Lol. Phoenix since its a bird offering up hope and new life. A phoenix lives as a young, grows into beauty and after awhile, is engulfed in flames to its death. But as the night passes, a phoenix rises from the ashes and lives a great life once more. And Dumblydore because I want to warp my favorite and ideal professor's name.