Why is it that whenever Christmas and his birthday comes, I'm either wrecked or dissipating into nothing. It's really unfair. I know it's just only two months to go, but hell, this is enough to kill me. I don't know where to run and somehow, they're like ghosts to me. You know how you're afraid of ghosts and when you're alone, you feel like they're around? And then instead of focusing on what you're doing, you end up looking around every 10 seconds because you're trying to see if there really are ghosts surrounding you? It's like that for me. I know it would hurt me so bad, and yet I can't help it. I smooch updates from them... (without them knowing of course) and decide if something really is happening. It's... eating me up slowly. 

And it's his birthday today. He's always had happy ones... but what's a little sad is that I can never be the one to give him that happiness. It always has to be her. And maybe, she just made him feel like the greatest man on earth. Good for him. What really broke my heart was what happened while I was waiting for someone to fetch me in front of the school. I went to TARC and decided that I should tell/whisper/transfer my thoughts about him to that place where most of our memories took place. I wanted to tell them that I should be saying goodbye already and that I should finally move on after years of going in and out of the process. (It's a vicious cycle rawr.) And so I circled the grounds two times before deciding to sit in front of the school gates. When I arrived there, I found him standing in front of the gate. Our eyes met but I ignored it at first. When I was finally near him, that's when I talked to him.

I said sorry for bailing out on our project meeting he gave me this smile ( I wasn't touched by it, okay maybe a little but I can feel that I'm losing him ) and then, just like in music video, THE GIRL (complete with it's 2012 the world is falling apart background music) came and said these things (something about I don't know since my hearing became pretty faulty along with my heart stopping in its tracks) and I was like "Hey TOOT, I'm sorry okay?" And then he kinda scrunched his face soppily and said "it's okay". And oh yeah, when the GIRL came, I didn't even think. I turned to her and said "Hi NAME OF THE GIRL!" Yes, there's an exclamation point and I was smiling like I was hello to my best friend. But deep inside it felt like I was being burned. Like all these pinpricks were popping holes in my heart or my organs were splattered on the sidewalk. Or maybe falling into a pit where there's no chance of going back to the surface. It was all so numb and I was out of it. 

And then I said that I should go and said goodbye after the sorry part. And I turned around and walked away. I was saying SHIT SHIT SHIT for the first 3 minutes but after that, tears were already leaking out of my stupid eyes. SHIT SHIT SHIT indeed. Thus, they have completely broken my already dilapidated heart. Thank you, O blessed ones. Thank you. I hope you're happy. But you see, I'm not mad. I'm all right. You'll see. I'll be all right. I can do that without cursing you or hating you. It'll all get better in time. God loves me and he'll find someone great for me.

Oh yeah, I also want to thank this awesome cat who just popped up under the seat when I finally settled down in front of the main library. There were the tears and he/she just walked around my legs and started rubbing his/her body on my sneakers. ( Although, I'm not really sure what the cat wanted from me, either it's really sympathizing with me or he/she just wanted to rid of himself/herself of dirt by rubbing it in my good for nothing sneakers.) I told him I was sad and he/she just stayed there and he/she even laid on the ground and closed his/her eyes while I sang softly to him/her. Um.. yeah, this gender thing is really driving me insane so let's just settle that he's a guy okay? Yeah, so after showing me affection for a quite a long time, he went away (much to my disappointment) but I noticed that the moment he left me, I was no longer crying. Somehow, his affection and the thought that maybe, just MAYBE, he knew what I was going through and was comforting me in his own way helped lessen the pain that I was feeling. So thank you cat. I owe you big time.

Why is it that whenever Christmas and his birthday comes, I'm either wrecked or dissipating into nothing. It's really unfair. I know it's just only two months to go, but hell, this is enough to kill me. I don't know where to run and somehow, they're like ghosts to me. You know how you're afraid of ghosts and when you're alone, you feel like they're around? And then instead of focusing on what you're doing, you end up looking around every 10 seconds because you're trying to see if there really are ghosts surrounding you? It's like that for me. I know it would hurt me so bad, and yet I can't help it. I smooch updates from them... (without them knowing of course) and decide if something really is happening. It's... eating me up slowly. 

And it's his birthday today. He's always had happy ones... but what's a little sad is that I can never be the one to give him that happiness. It always has to be her. And maybe, she just made him feel like the greatest man on earth. Good for him. What really broke my heart was what happened while I was waiting for someone to fetch me in front of the school. I went to TARC and decided that I should tell/whisper/transfer my thoughts about him to that place where most of our memories took place. I wanted to tell them that I should be saying goodbye already and that I should finally move on after years of going in and out of the process. (It's a vicious cycle rawr.) And so I circled the grounds two times before deciding to sit in front of the school gates. When I arrived there, I found him standing in front of the gate. Our eyes met but I ignored it at first. When I was finally near him, that's when I talked to him.

I said sorry for bailing out on our project meeting he gave me this smile ( I wasn't touched by it, okay maybe a little but I can feel that I'm losing him ) and then, just like in music video, THE GIRL (complete with it's 2012 the world is falling apart background music) came and said these things (something about I don't know since my hearing became pretty faulty along with my heart stopping in its tracks) and I was like "Hey TOOT, I'm sorry okay?" And then he kinda scrunched his face soppily and said "it's okay". And oh yeah, when the GIRL came, I didn't even think. I turned to her and said "Hi NAME OF THE GIRL!" Yes, there's an exclamation point and I was smiling like I was hello to my best friend. But deep inside it felt like I was being burned. Like all these pinpricks were popping holes in my heart or my organs were splattered on the sidewalk. Or maybe falling into a pit where there's no chance of going back to the surface. It was all so numb and I was out of it. 

And then I said that I should go and said goodbye after the sorry part. And I turned around and walked away. I was saying SHIT SHIT SHIT for the first 3 minutes but after that, tears were already leaking out of my stupid eyes. SHIT SHIT SHIT indeed. Thus, they have completely broken my already dilapidated heart. Thank you, O blessed ones. Thank you. I hope you're happy. But you see, I'm not mad. I'm all right. You'll see. I'll be all right. I can do that without cursing you or hating you. It'll all get better in time. God loves me and he'll find someone great for me.

Oh yeah, I also want to thank this awesome cat who just popped up under the seat when I finally settled down in front of the main library. There were the tears and he/she just walked around my legs and started rubbing his/her body on my sneakers. ( Although, I'm not really sure what the cat wanted from me, either it's really sympathizing with me or he/she just wanted to rid of himself/herself of dirt by rubbing it in my good for nothing sneakers.) I told him I was sad and he/she just stayed there and he/she even laid on the ground and closed his/her eyes while I sang softly to him/her. Um.. yeah, this gender thing is really driving me insane so let's just settle that he's a guy okay? Yeah, so after showing me affection for a quite a long time, he went away (much to my disappointment) but I noticed that the moment he left me, I was no longer crying. Somehow, his affection and the thought that maybe, just MAYBE, he knew what I was going through and was comforting me in his own way helped lessen the pain that I was feeling. So thank you cat. I owe you big time.