Lifelong Searches

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Lifelong Searches
(May 28, 2010 - March 29, 2012)

Give Up or Not?

Saturday, March 5, 201112:33 PM

I love your eyes...

I literally don't know what to do. I'm kinda lost at the moment and I need enlightenment. You see, I really like this person not only because he was the only one who noticed me when I was down and out, but because he's sweet and kind also. The only problem is, I don't know if he likes me or not. There were a lot instances when all signs point to yes. Circumstances enumerated when he danced with me at the prom (the first time was set up but the second time was not) and the way he apparently "reddens" whenever he's around me. I don't know about that part, because all the blood rushes into my head at the moment he's near and everything like, deadens around me. It's weird. So to state it simply, I never notice. I'm too busy looking at the ground or the far horizon. That was during our high school week and it's past a month now.

I haven't heard anything yet, and it's driving me nuts. I was basically depending on the fact that if his friends brought it up once more, the deduction of my own friends (that he kinda likes me) would prove correct and we're just feeling the same things all along. But up to now, there are no known feed backs. Everything's back to normal so let us just move on with our lives. Kthnksbye. Just like that. This is my common fault. I always end up liking somebody too soon or too late that in the end, I'm forever the loser kid. I always get left behind. I don't know about you, but that is simply unfair for my part. I got hurt already (I can't believe it) and nothing's changing or happening. There is absolutely no progression. So what? I'm just stuck in the moment?

YOU talk to ME first.

This got me thinking. I mean, why is it that I have to be the one who does all the effort? That just makes me look obsessed or something. I was Tumblr inspired, especially with the phrases in Facebook telling me that if I have already done my best, I should just let it go. Maybe it's not really for me. Just like this:

Quote that deeply inspired my spur of action.

Immediately the next day, I resolved that I would NOT, under any circumstances, look at him secretly whenever we pass by their classroom, or go wherever he is at the moment. I won't be the one who will make a way just so that I can see him everyday. At least not now. Not that day. I made a bet with God. I thought, with the quote above in mind, that if this thing's worth it, he would go back to me in his own conviction, not mine. When something's really for you, no matter how hard you try to get rid of it, it will always go back to you. And so I went ahead that day, avoiding looking at the glass in their door and stayed at our classroom for the most part. Well, I saw him during dismissal, when we were just going back to the classroom from the computer laboratory. Although I saw him without looking for him, I doubt it that it's really the intention I was looking for. I mean, maybe, that's just plain coincidence.

Maybe he doesn't really like me the way I like him. It was so hard for me to do that plan. I have to at least see him once a day and yet he can manage a day perfectly without even seeing me. Maybe it was all just a scam and too bad for me, I totally fell for it. Well, don't I always do? Right now, my best friend (who's his classmate, btw) is plotting how he would notice me once again and get him to be my 'genuine' friend. (apparently, we're friends in the sense that when we pass each other in the hallway, he says hi and I do too) I don't know if this frustration is just brought up by my being hormonal at the moment or something, but the thing is, I know I can't continue being this way. You know the feeling when you've already tried everything (I indirectly told him I like him during Feb. 14 via best friend) and yet nothing's going the way you want it to?

When one moment, everything's going absolutely great and you couldn't be more happier, then suddenly all of it's off. Like a canceled meeting or family gathering. You get your hopes up only for them to fall of the bat. What a joke. So I'm thinking of giving up. I'm starting to feel that I shouldn't really be the one to make all of this effort. I deserve to be loved and be cared for by someone's own intuition, not because I was the one who made the first move. Hello? I'm a girl. I deserve to be wooed and be made to feel special by a guy. Not the other way around. What do you think?

Is it this?