Do I Have To Ask Why
Wednesday, August 4, 20106:53 PM
I've been happy for the last few months. But, I'm not so sure now. I'm experiencing a great wave of emotion right now; trust me to ruin everything for myself. I've been lucky enough to receive complete serenity and peace for the past two days, and here I am, yet again, making myself sad all over again. I know the lesson in life is to accept things for what they are and live on what is already present, but I guess emotions run in me too high.I have so many questions that I want answers to. I've long ago taught myself to stop asking and focus on building my faith, but the drawback of being human is falling to the age old situation when everything is just not coming out right and all you can do is to wonder what you've done wrong, or the more self destructive type question, what is wrong with you.
I chose to believe that maybe, it's not what's wrong with me, but what's not for me. But isn't it a little unfair, to think that if I'm this sad, and I feel so alone, that just means that everything around me isn't for me? Where will I go then? What should I do? Imagine a kitten on the floor reaching up its paws to the ceiling where a huge disco ball hangs and is rotating slowly. The kitten would think it's a yarn ball of some sort and would try its hardest to reach it. Sadly, it never would.
You have already tried so hard, to be different, to be acceptable, to fit in, to be loved, to be you. But being you is not enough somehow. It's as if the world is still waiting for you to do something. It's hard when you know to yourself that you've already given your best shot and still, it's not enough to make ends reach. Hopelessness is adamant in this matter, and it's the same thing that would eat you up slowly, through time, until the day comes when not a trace of you would be left. A mere memory of what used to be. Then, would you be noticed? Would they know you've gone? Will they find you? I don't know.
I have tried. I tried again. Up till now, I'm still trying. It's sad to think that meager results meant you're not trying hard enough. If people would only understand that I get tired too. That I need a break, that I at least, need some courage and inspiration to keep me going. Yet, how ungrateful of me to think of this, for the Lord has already given me so much.
I have no idea of what to make of myself since I felt so sad of all my shortcomings and life's shortcomings to me. But neither do I want to sound as if I'm still not contented. Actually, I wanted the Lord to know that He has already given me so much. But life is only worth living when you deem it worth living by fighting for it, mainly by fighting for your own happiness. Like all work, it can get tiring but must I really treat my life as work? Shouldn't it be a passion?
I have so many things that I'm thinking about right now, and I do wonder if these last few days, I'm just swimming in illusion and all I'm really doing is to swim away from rejection and failure? Am I just denying all of it, and deluding myself of a better circumstance for me? Deeming myself important and loved too?
Hearts heal, like wounds, but a scar is always left behind. All I'm saying is, I'm tired of thinking I have a chance at anything, especially about love. I want to love, but love doesn't seem to want to love me. I don't want to believe that superficiality already weighs more than knowing a person for what he or she is inside. I don't want to believe that superficiality has erased genuine love just as mass rudeness has made chivalry extinct. I want to believe that there is still some hope left.
I don't want to delude myself that somebody could love me. I just want to stop hurting myself this way. I want to stop hope from making me believe that I could still have a chance in redemption, that my heart could still take it all in. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore to just, in the end, get it all bad and wounded, lifeless even, and take a lifetime to heal. No more rhetorical questions, asking if maybe it's about me, or some other fault. I want to stop all of it.
And also, the fact that I didn't really belong anywhere. That I was like a nomad, with nowhere to go, nowhere to place myself to, no one to lean on. Life is harsh on me. I wish it favored me more. I'm not even asking much. All I wanted was to be happy, enjoy, to belong. To be loved. Was that really so hard?
I chose to believe that maybe, it's not what's wrong with me, but what's not for me. But isn't it a little unfair, to think that if I'm this sad, and I feel so alone, that just means that everything around me isn't for me? Where will I go then? What should I do? Imagine a kitten on the floor reaching up its paws to the ceiling where a huge disco ball hangs and is rotating slowly. The kitten would think it's a yarn ball of some sort and would try its hardest to reach it. Sadly, it never would.
You have already tried so hard, to be different, to be acceptable, to fit in, to be loved, to be you. But being you is not enough somehow. It's as if the world is still waiting for you to do something. It's hard when you know to yourself that you've already given your best shot and still, it's not enough to make ends reach. Hopelessness is adamant in this matter, and it's the same thing that would eat you up slowly, through time, until the day comes when not a trace of you would be left. A mere memory of what used to be. Then, would you be noticed? Would they know you've gone? Will they find you? I don't know.
I have tried. I tried again. Up till now, I'm still trying. It's sad to think that meager results meant you're not trying hard enough. If people would only understand that I get tired too. That I need a break, that I at least, need some courage and inspiration to keep me going. Yet, how ungrateful of me to think of this, for the Lord has already given me so much.
I have no idea of what to make of myself since I felt so sad of all my shortcomings and life's shortcomings to me. But neither do I want to sound as if I'm still not contented. Actually, I wanted the Lord to know that He has already given me so much. But life is only worth living when you deem it worth living by fighting for it, mainly by fighting for your own happiness. Like all work, it can get tiring but must I really treat my life as work? Shouldn't it be a passion?
I have so many things that I'm thinking about right now, and I do wonder if these last few days, I'm just swimming in illusion and all I'm really doing is to swim away from rejection and failure? Am I just denying all of it, and deluding myself of a better circumstance for me? Deeming myself important and loved too?
Hearts heal, like wounds, but a scar is always left behind. All I'm saying is, I'm tired of thinking I have a chance at anything, especially about love. I want to love, but love doesn't seem to want to love me. I don't want to believe that superficiality already weighs more than knowing a person for what he or she is inside. I don't want to believe that superficiality has erased genuine love just as mass rudeness has made chivalry extinct. I want to believe that there is still some hope left.
I don't want to delude myself that somebody could love me. I just want to stop hurting myself this way. I want to stop hope from making me believe that I could still have a chance in redemption, that my heart could still take it all in. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore to just, in the end, get it all bad and wounded, lifeless even, and take a lifetime to heal. No more rhetorical questions, asking if maybe it's about me, or some other fault. I want to stop all of it.
And also, the fact that I didn't really belong anywhere. That I was like a nomad, with nowhere to go, nowhere to place myself to, no one to lean on. Life is harsh on me. I wish it favored me more. I'm not even asking much. All I wanted was to be happy, enjoy, to belong. To be loved. Was that really so hard?
Labels: blank, empty, vacant, void
